It’s never easy penetrating a person’s thick head. Especially when they have their jaw muscles gripped tightly down on something they refuse to let go. Because at that point, nothing matters. They’re just going to keep that ball firmly in their teeth no matter what. Science is thrown out the window. Reason is trampled down and warped. And our old more pagan, animal nature, rooted in aggression and superstition, rises up to dominate.

This is exactly how a scientist can believe that something which exists within the universe is unnatural. And it is how any of us can continue holding on to beliefs or feelings despite the evidence of our senses that point undeniably to the contrary. It is how we people, who otherwise hold truth in high regard, can be led into deception, both of others and, by the very fact that we purposefully ignore our own true sensibilities, deception of ourselves.

There are many reasons for doing such things to ourselves and to others, but most of them are weak, and most of those, downright pathetic. But that’s alright. Everyone has weaknesses, and everyone has screw-ups. It is what we choose to do after knowing about them that shapes and defines us. It is our ticket out, or our ticket home. And the cost can be steep, or completely free. But the trip is always worth it. These are usually our most important life lessons to be learned. And they’re a bitch. And a blessing.

I spend a lot of time talking about science and how it can produce a somewhat dehumanizing effect upon us by narrowing our field of vision to only the empirical. But here is an example where science can accomplish the opposite effect, by cutting through the obfuscating clouds we create for ourselves, for whatever individually mad reasons, and instead bringing light to an exceedingly messy human thing.

We care about other people. We care about other people to different degrees and for various reasons, and sometimes, perhaps, for no reasons at all. What an astonishing reality it is, when we can step back and look at it, that other human life; that their very existence matters to us. Sometimes that other being matters simply because it is another being, as alive in this strange reality we inhabit, as we are ourselves. But sometimes another being matters much more to us than any other. Sometimes that being matters as much to us as ourselves. Or even more. This is insanity. It is also, perhaps, our greatest and most profound strength as a species.

We like to enjoy ourselves and to feel good. After all, we enjoy ourselves when we enjoy ourselves, and it feels good to feel good. And how good do we feel when someone we care about is near to us, and a part of our lives? What profound interactions of growth and mutual support are possible? And not only that, it also feels very nice just knowing that someone else cares about you. Someone that you can count on, despite anything.

Now don’t let any irrational notions of propriety throw off your thinking here. We’re scientists right now. Humans have bodies with nerves and muscles, and we’re just all fleshy and gooey. We enjoy feeling pleasure. We like sexual stimulation, with other beings, or even just by ourselves, however we might. This isn’t caring. This is an enjoyment of our physicality. It’s good fun.

Sex is not a mystical and special thing. It is our love and trust in another person that is a mystical and special thing. When that love and trust is broken by the one we care about, that is what hurts. That is what matters. It could be them having sex with another person. It could be them kissing another. It could be them spending too much time with another. It could be simply that they told us a lie. Certainly sex can help people become more intimate with each other, but it is that intimacy and trust that is the big thing, not the sex.

Sex is not spiritual. It is biological. Pleasuring yourself is great. So is pleasuring another, and it can also lead to greater intimacy between you. That intimacy and trust, whether it comes through sex or not, is the more spiritual thing. It is the truly important bit.

Unfortunately, many people consider sex itself to be something spiritual, except, of course, when “cheating” is involved, in which case, they consider the sex, or whatever betrayal, to be nothing meaningful all of a sudden, instead. It meant nothing, right? Well, to the one feeling the pain of betrayal, it meant something significant. But it’s not the physical act that causes the pain. It’s the betrayal of the spiritual “contract” between you. This contract can also be broken without any sex being involved.

This contract, however, means different things to different people. I suppose that is why communication is important. For example, some few people like any contract to mean complete and utter ownership over another, or their own feeling of being completely owned. Others may have more lax contracts, where each can spend time doing whatever they like, within reason. The contracts vary wildly from person to person, and usually they are never communicated. Some people will even feel betrayed by their object of love spending time at work, or having a very close friend. And this is a betrayal to them as certainly as any other, even sexual.

It is also possible, when people are willing to discuss exactly what the spiritual contract between them represents, to reach other more broadly defined constraints, which work in the interests of everyone to keep any betrayal from happening. Perhaps it’s okay to spend two nights a week out with your best friend, and the person who loves you will not feel like you are being taken from them. Or, perhaps it’s okay for you to kiss someone else from time to time, since you are particularly physical and affectionate. Or maybe you can have sex with someone else, as long as your partner meets them first and knows about everything, and you will always come home at night to sleep. These are the details people can work out together, if they are willing to communicate and be honest and accommodating.

Personally, I adhere to one person when I care. I think it because I very much enjoy exploring the intimacy and trust possible between people. I look at all this other wandering around that some people do as distractions – an attempt to make up for something that they do not find with each other. Perhaps they will find it. Perhaps they will find a way to live happily enough with each other, never having found it. I don’t know. I may be prejudiced.

But the interesting thing is that these qualities exist between people regardless of their race, their gender or their purported sexual identity. These same things are true whether you are straight, gay or bisexual. The sexual act does not matter. It is the human intimacy and trust that is the more important and spiritual aspect. It is that closeness, that kinship, and that knowing that someone is there for you, that can be felt between beings, that matters. It is probably the most beautiful and powerful thing we all have. It can make our lives worth living. It helps us create a better world for all.

Sadly, there are still people, even in our younger generations, who still believe sex is what is important and defines us, and not our capacity to love. There are still people who believe that physical pleasure can be wrong and represent a diseased mind or body, even when nobody else is hurt, and even when other people are helped or made to feel happier. There are still scientists who believe that something can exist which is not natural.

Invariably, these beliefs which fly in the face of reason, are usually founded in uninformed religious teaching, and certainly not science. It can take a very long time for people to become more fully aware of the reality they inhabit, particularly when that reality is not the reality portrayed to them by their parents, friends and their society at large. It can take a very long time for people to accept truth, despite science. Even though we live in what we consider a more “modern” and “enlightened” world.

Science tells us that homosexuality and bisexuality are not, in any way, disorders. Nor are they, in any way, aberrant. Nor are they even “unhealthy”. No mainstream scientific organization or studies support this thinking. In fact, they support the contrary. The American Psychological Association has this to say:

“Both heterosexual behavior and homosexual behavior are normal aspects of human sexuality. Both have been documented in many different cultures and historical eras. Despite the persistence of stereotypes that portray lesbian, gay, and bisexual people as disturbed, several decades of research and clinical experience have led all mainstream medical and mental health organizations in this country to conclude that these orientations represent normal forms of human experience. Lesbian, gay, and bisexual relationships are normal forms of human bonding. Therefore, these mainstream organizations long ago abandoned classifications of homosexuality as a mental disorder.”

Considering the incredible mysteries of human bonding, the persistence of such unfounded stereotypes is strange, indeed. It points to something deeper. Let’s see if we might shed some light upon what might be behind this inexplicable persistence.

First, we must accept that our sexuality is more fluid than we might be comfortable admitting. This discomfort itself is something telling. However, as Lisa Diamond discovered in her 10-year longitudinal study, “some people believe that sexual orientation is innate and fixed; however, sexual orientation develops across a person’s lifetime. Individuals may become aware at different points in their lives that they are heterosexual, gay, lesbian, or bisexual.” Again, it is the personally intimate nature we can experience with another being that is the truly important thing, and this experience between beings is not limited by gender or race. Our ability to know each other, feel kinship for each other, and to love each other, is far greater. Our feelings of sexual attraction that often accompany this must be accepted, or harm will most certainly result, both to the person that matters, and to ourselves. And any tragic circumstance of non-acceptance will only help those stereotypes persist.

The profoundly unreasonable belief permeating our culture would have us feel that homosexuality and bisexuality is wrong. Thankfully it is on the decline. It would have us feel wrong, even when we might be reasonable enough to think that homosexuality is, perhaps, okay for other people. It would have us feel wrong in that any feelings for someone of our same gender is certainly not okay for us. This creates a great deal of inner conflict within most of us when we must confront our larger nature, for our larger nature encompasses many things. Those whose sexuality leans more toward homosexuality can often overcome these unfounded biases. However, those whose sexuality leans more toward bisexuality, which is the vast majority, usually never overcome these unfounded biases. For them, it is a relatively simple matter just to choose to label themselves completely heterosexual.

This does not fix their perceived problems, however. Inevitably, we are confronted with issues of our sexuality throughout our lives. What is unresolved or repressed is destined to surface again, and often in increasingly bizarre and destructive ways.

It is no accident that the people who most adamantly consider homosexuality an aberration, abomination or a disease are the same people who struggle with those same issues within themselves. The psychological term is disassociation, and these people go to great lengths to disassociate themselves with homosexuality both internally to themselves and externally, as proof to others of their disease-free state.

Sullivan’s 1956 theories on disassociation demonstrate how our sexuality can be made completely separate and other from our own sense of our personality. For example, as Jack Drescher says:

“[...] selective inattention is a common, non-pathological process, akin to tuning out the background noise on a busy street. In more intense dissociative mechanisms, double lives are lived yet not acknowledged. One sees clinical presentations of closeted gay people lying somewhere between selective inattention, most commonly seen in the case of homosexually self-aware patients thinking about “the possibility” that they might be gay, to more severe dissociation – in which any hit of same-sex feelings resides out of conscious awareness.”

This disassociation, where the feelings are actually moved outside of conscious awareness, is recognized to be very similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. And this, actually, is the real disease, not any homosexual feelings.

Vivienne Cass’s famous 1979 Homosexuality Identity Formation Model also recognizes these characteristics within the first stage of people coming to terms with the fact that they may have some homosexual feelings. This stage is called identity confusion, and it is often quite volatile. As paraphrased by Joe Kort:

“Those who begin to acknowledge their attraction to other members of the same sex may not see themselves as even remotely gay. This isn’t pretending; they still honestly identify themselves as heterosexual. At this stage, their homosexual feelings are completely unacceptable to them. They are looking for anyone who might tell them they are not gay.

Once individuals recognize that a homosexual nature does exist within them, they often become very sensitive, highly anxious, and self-conscious. This is the beginning of re-experiencing their PTSD symptoms. Pushing them too far in this stage can cause too much psychological discomfort and potentially keep them from moving on to the next stage.

They are also vulnerable to getting married heterosexually, genuinely hoping for the best.”

The disassociation exhibited by people who unreasonably rail against the homosexual nature that nearly all of us embody is glaringly obvious to those people who have come to terms with the more fluid nature of their own sexuality. Look at our Senators and religious leaders who rabidly fight for legislation that condemns homosexuality, while at the same time have clandestine homosexual rendezvous. They condemn homosexual feelings to others in a cowardly attempt to disassociate themselves from their own homosexual feelings. It is the same with straight boys in a crowd.

This also is confirmed by science, through many studies. There is even a 1996 empirical study by Henry Adams where he measured the arousal level of straight men being shown images of men and women, where one group of men were homophobic and the other group of men was not. The study demonstrated that the homophobic men were almost always sexually aroused by images of men, while the non-homophobic men were not. Both were equally aroused by women and lesbian images, which supports the case for bisexual identity repression. But the homophobic men got excited.

Drescher, amongst a great preponderance of psychologists and psychiatrists, also confirms this. “Interpersonally, strong anti-homosexual feelings may represent an effort to control perceptions of a [man's] own sexual identity. If they attack gay people, others will not think of them as gay.” Even those psychiatrists following a psychoanalytic approach agree. “Various psychoanalytic theories explain homophobia as a threat to an individual’s own same-sex impulses, whether those impulses are imminent or merely hypothetical. This threat causes repression, denial or reaction formation.” (DJ West, 1977).

Want some Wikipedia? How about “by distancing themselves from gay people, they are reaffirming their role as a heterosexual in a heteronormative culture, thereby attempting to prevent themselves from being labeled and treated as a gay person.”

Hopefully, this will help clear the air a little on our sexuality, and people’s reactions to the subject matter of sexuality. But clearing the air only allows us to see more clearly. It does not help us to live our lives any better.

Even when we can accept a certain degree of homosexuality within ourselves, that does not mean everything is great. However, it is far better than before! Oftentimes people who manage to get past complete disassociation settle upon compartmentalization instead. As Kort and Cass say:

“Some clients may accept their behavior as gay or bisexual while still rejecting homosexuality as their core identity. Or they might accept a homosexual identity but, paradoxically, inhibit their gay behavior by, for example, deciding to heterosexually marry and have anonymous “no strings” sexual hookups. Of course, this kind of compartmentalization – a fracturing of behavior and identity – leads to problems later on.

Some lesbian and gay clients may attempt to embrace a heterosexual identity out of internalized shame and guilt. These clients are particularly vulnerable to the promises of reparative therapy. Because of their self-hate and hope for a “cure,” they are eager to be rid of these unwelcome thoughts and feelings.”

But honestly, there is nothing to repair. We’re crazy creatures, remember? We’re wide and wonderful. There is no mainstream discipline or organization that supports any “repair” of our sexuality. In fact, they all condemn such things as harmful. Even the US Surgeon General David Satcher, a military man, officially stated “there is no valid scientific evidence that sexual orientation can be changed” in a letter to the US Department of Health and Human Services in 2001. My God! We’re stuck with each other! In all our wild diversity, our beautiful human surprises, and the all wonders of impossible places…

If you fight against these scientific truths, invariably you will harm other people, and you will harm yourself. You will also be a force within the world that strengthens the very stereotypes that we cannot believe still exist. If you fight against these truths, it can cause all manner of harm, in all manner of seemingly unrelated directions. This is true for kids, adults both young and old, parents, teachers, clergy, lawmakers, and you. We really need to find some bravery and stand up, and get past this nonsense. We have to make it so that young men struggling with these issues are not 13 times more likely to kill themselves. We have to do this by making the issue become a non-issue, for all of us.

What these studies do not go into is the acts of deception, both outwardly and inwardly, that people struggling with sexuality exhibit. In order to disassociate, deception is the key. And this begins to permeate deeper within them, even to unrelated areas, and it begins to permeate outwardly into the world. Sexuality is a fundamental force within us all – it is very powerful and it drives us almost always, even subtly. When we mix in deception at this core level, it is a mixture that can lead to truly terrible things in time. We can become adept at deception of all type because, with our practice over time, every day, we become masterful, and deception becomes second-nature to us.

But it’s a whole different view from above it all. From above, you will notice the guys who you see getting excited around you, then have to run off to call their girlfriends or wives, or if they have none, go watch some lesbian pornography or guy/girl porn, but no looking at penises. It is the poor man’s version of reparative therapy. Also, you can watch them turn their sexuality instead into aggression so they might feel reassured by some masculine identity that somehow arises from fear. You can watch them, when you push them to the limit, if you’re lucky, break down and tell you it’s something they’ve always hated about themselves, then deny they ever said it. Yes, you can watch all manner of people struggle with themselves, from on high. For years and years, until you wonder how it is that people can be so deceptive and destructive over such simple, unimportant things. These facts exist, whether or not you have ever met a gay or bisexual person before (which you most certainly have). They also exist despite any beliefs you might hold. It is a great truth that we are just starting to come to terms with.

But what we do physically with our bodies is not important. It is how we honor that incredibly beautiful accident that is another human being. It is how we offer ourselves truly to another, in trust, in admiration, in honesty, and in our commitment to their, and our, mutual well-being. And in this, the religious people have much to learn. They should stop harming people. Especially their children, if nobody else.

“Sexual orientation is not synonymous with sexual activity.

The idea that homosexuality is a mental disorder or that the emergence of same-sex attraction and orientation is in any way abnormal or mentally unhealthy has no support among any mainstream health and mental health professional organizations.” (APA)

Now, go suck on that!

My piece To Potential Business Clients elicited some nice responses, and even got me a new client from out of the blue. Isn’t it odd how so many businesses try to play up the image game, with all their sayings and promises that everyone else already knows are largely vacuous? The even stranger thing is, when businesses decide they don’t want to play this game, and instead be completely honest, they have no clue how to go about being honest and straight-forward.

Businesses reflect the people who shape and direct them, and to a lesser degree, the employees and contractors who represent them. If a person is more conscience of their image than their substance, this is what the business will be. If the person is accustomed to maneuvering and making excuses for bad things, this is what the business will be. If the person is honest with all their strengths and their shortcomings, this is what the business will be. Judging by the responses I received, the latter is what people prefer.

When you misrepresent yourself, you participate in willful manipulation. As a rule, people do not appreciate being manipulated. People do not appreciate it when someone seeks to control their perception. In fact, it is an act of evil. It is an act of evil because the person with the access to truth seeks to hide and alter that truth into something else that plays toward their own benefit. And doing this removes any potential for choice that another person might have, replacing that choice with the will of the deceiver. People rarely think this through, but it is why people do not like misrepresentation. We posses an innate instinct about being wronged in this way. Yet most of us are perfectly comfortable taking choices away from others like this. We want to look good, even when we know that we are not.

This presents a large problem for businesses, since the majority of people themselves never truly are who they seem to be. With this, how can any business be considered trust worthy? How can you know for certain if they truly care about anything other than what they want? Of course, they will tell you that you, the customer, are their top priority, and that they are trustworthy. But when your access to knowledge and truth is also controlled by them, what is the reality of who they are? And how will this effect you?

Businesses will rationalize as well, just like people, any of their wrongdoings. For example, it’s okay to manipulate these people with the truth hidden, because really, we are good, and they will be better off with us, even though we are not who we appear to be. In this, they absolve themselves by changing their act of evil into an act of good, performed upon those people within their control. In other words, by removing another’s awareness and choice, and causing them to do what you want, you have done them a favor.

If a business realizes they are committing this evil, the next level of rationalization is to reassure themselves that it is not, actually, an act of evil because everyone else is doing the same thing to others. In other words, an act of evil is not evil if a lot of people are doing it.

And finally, if the person or business is discovered in their deception, the retreat is most often to hostility and anger that is projected instead upon the client, rather than themselves. That is, the last refuge of the liar is hostility toward those to whom he lies. It is either this, or a sudden and utter disregard for their victims, so that they might carry on their own business as usual.

It’s a fascinating exploration between business and human personality. So often we hear that business must be kept separate from the personal, but as we see, they are already intimately intertwined at the most fundamental level. And this is the challenge businesses face as they present themselves to the world: how can they appear trustworthy, dependable, and even at all good, when the people shaping the business bring so much of their own personalities along them?

The answer is simple. Appearance does not matter. The people themselves who shape the business must confront the very issues of their own character for the sake of their business. These factors are also mutually reinforcing. Those who, in their personal life, subscribe to deception, will find it increasingly easy to justify further deception in their lives, and out into the realm of their customers. The converse is also true, those who are willing and curageous enough to represent themselves truly, standing upright beside their purported ideals, will find their personal life far more attuned to the more honorable and noble. And this will improve not only their own life, but also set a potent example of what is possible to others.

Sales is the slippery slope. These are the purported masters of representation and human influence. Few professions have so many people who are utter shams or despots, yet walk and talk the good line. Guns for hire, with all the throw-away benefits, and all the dangers of backstabbing in the night. Their purpose is the influence of people and businesses send them out in droves, with only the thinnest ropes. If they perform well at what they do, their influence grows within the business, until such time that appearances are the driving force instead, at the very least on par with real products or services. This point is the second ethical milestone a business reaches, and it is very much like the first.

I love watching businesses come together, take off and grow. It truly is people flying only by the seats of their pants, and it’s a joy. You see so many different struggles met and matched, along with a share of bloody noses and defeats. But it is the good fight I like. The just and honorable cause. And best of all, the vision of something truly greater for us all. These are beyond the ken of most business people. This is because they become trapped, struggling more against themselves and their self-made failings than building something truly wonderful. When you are out for the true betterment of others, any deception is anathema. They will forever fall short, even if they happen to become monetarily successful. And that is a sad story.

So to you business people who believe you are true, look deeply and honestly at yourself. If you can still say that you are, look at the other people and forces in your life, and what they cause you to do. Do they cause you to lie or waste resources? Do they encourage you compromise unwisely? Do they challenge you to become more, or cause you to sink into being less? Do you feel good and fulfilled by your endeavor? Or do you find reasons and make excuses? Can you lie with dignity, honor and conviction? Or do you face your challenges head-on, whole, and become more?

Each step reinforces us, one way or another. Yet still, it is never too late. And if I ever meet you out there in the wild, I would be honored to be at your side, fighting the good fight.

Some of you are shocked that I use my real name on the things I write here, and send to you. Those of you in business are usually very sensitive to image and appearance, and the clothes I wear here are not very business-like. I am told, business people will search for you on the Internet before doing business with you, and using my real name, considering the things I say, is bad for me.

When I hear this, I am reminded of some man with an expensive suit, who is out to sell and really doesn’t give one whit about why, nor what he might actually be doing, or effecting in the larger world. I am reminded of a woman who uses phrases she learned, but does not truly understand. I am reminded of bright and flashy signs, rising up before us all, our great plastic icons of modernity, written with the common and hollow promises that fit so easily in our ears, then fall out the other side. I am reminded of a relationship where the magic has faded, yet the desire for that magic lives on, but lives only as a dim shadow, as an interpersonal habit.

Magic is not always neat, tidy and subdued, the way many of us might like. In fact, it rarely is. Magic is something that we unleash, and its power can be both terrible and wonderful. Magic destroys as easily as it creates. It is always transformative and alive. It is beautiful and ugly; both sane and insane. And it is the art of the magician to wield it.

Most people believe there is no longer any room for magic in the world. The order of things is such that the man who plays the suit is the man who deals the cards. The truth is, this man simply keeps the game going while the game itself is beyond him. Let him play. It’s unlikely he will never even care to see more, being dazzled by the endless shuffling. Let him play.

I have other business to attend to. I don’t have the time, nor the desire to play dress-up. I will not diminish my potency in an attempt to deceive others by skulking about behind a mask. They will know me truly. And from that, the magic begins. It will be the combination of me and them, and anyone else involved. And in this conflagration, all masks will burn. It is the only way to create something lasting and meaningful.

I want people with whom I am involved to know me, as certainly as I want to know them. That combination is the seat of the most powerful magic there is — passion. A shared dream and vision. And the wherewithal, trust and, most importantly, faith to see it accomplished.

It is in this spirit that I am both happy and comfortable for people to know what I believe, and even moreso, to perhaps come closer to knowing who I am. My strengths and my failings I lay out for you. My strangeness and my wisdom. Yes, this probably makes me a fool. But it also removes any reason I should deceive. And I require the same of others. It is how strengths are best combined, and weaknesses become shored up and rectified.

So to those people who say that appearances are important, I say that I agree. As long as those appearances are true. People are not as stupid as you imagine. They know the difference between someone being lazy and someone who is more concerned with other, more important things, for both of you.

In a way, you might say that I hope prospective business clients will read my things here. That they might know me this little measure better. That they will believe, I will not tell them things they only want to hear. If fact, I may tell them things that they will take exception to, or might even make them angry. I’m not out to sell myself to them. I’m out to help them.

A good friend of mine who runs a business with some employees is fond of saying about others with businesses, “he’s only one guy!”. And this holds a lot of weight when that one guy is representing himself through masks and appearances as something more. But one also has to ask, what is the value of one guy who can do some heavy lifting, in relation to a few guys who can dance a familiar dance? And with that, I run the risk of sounding defensive. But I’m not. I’m just driving him even madder with my perpetual onslaught of quasi-self-righteous battering rams, designed to lift him higher.

So much is changing in the world right now, and it is beginning with our perceptions. There is no room for deception any more. The magicians have worked there magic and the game is transforming. Most players will not even notice.

The question becomes, to what degree has our own game changed, if any? What qualities in others do we imbue with value? What value do we place on the qualities of our own character, even when those qualities might not be real?

So here I am, laid bare, for anyone to see. Hello! It isn’t the gossip of things like Facebook, where lookie who I’m friends with, and I’m so great, or sad, or whatever other banal utterance might be made with strategy toward appearance. Personally, I’m fucked up. You know that. Most of you are, too. That’s probably why you’re a friend. And that’s good enough for me. Oh, and just so we’re clear, you’re fucked up in some pretty great ways. Light years above Facebook. Way out there. Hello!

And since we’re on the subject, you people who have told me to represent myself differently… why should I think that any potential business client isn’t as fucked up as myself? That would be crazy. They are. Probably raving lunatics, underneath it all. But that’s ok. It means we have some creativity to work with. And we can sort right on through that and do something very simply magnificent together.

And best of all, it will be fun, as well as magnificent.

People new to business, young entrepreneurs or former employees striking out on their own, usually begin their journeys with a good deal of idealism and a determination to be “better” than the rest; to be better people than the other evil business people, to offer better products or services because they are more interested in “doing it right”, to feel like they are doing something useful and fulfilling with their lives, and a few even set out to “change the world”.

These people are rarely motivated primarily by a desire for lots of money. Unless you have lots of money to begin with, starting a business, maintaining it, and growing it, is a lot of hard work. If you are in it solely for the money, it will not take long before you become fed up.

However, at the end of the day, money is currently an integral part of any business. Even the most idealistic entrepreneurs must face the realities of living in a society that values the hording of credits over the intrinsic value of what they do or produce. This is where happy path of the entrepreneur begins to enter the thicker and deeper woods. This is where they will start to confront the monsters that lurk and stalk, waiting to pounce, or the dryads that sing a pleasant yet empty song that brings eventual ruin. And also they will meet the most frightening beast of all: themselves.

It happens to every business person eventually, just like everyone else. You reach a fork in the road. You look down each path as far as you can. You decide what is important to you. You weigh this against the end goals. Then you take your first step down that new path. Of course you can almost always turn back and take the other path, but it is never easy, and by that time the other path has likely changed or is completely overgrown.

Now, the thing about choosing paths in a forest is that eventually it becomes easy to loose track of where you once were. A few bad choices, a few too many compromises, and suddenly you might find yourself, at best disheartened with the journey, or at worst reverted to an animal state of “kill or be killed” variety, where war and destruction rains out onto the rest of the world.

Many of us learn from our early years about conflict, team playing, domination and submission, and the necessity of either victory or defeat. This is particularly true of all the high school sports people who enter business school. Even “win-win” scenarios are usually self-interested tactics in a guise of “enlightened” self-interest. The reality is, there is usually very little enlightened in self-interest, even when there is more than one of you being self-interested together.

I should have known I would have problems with the business world early on. My first job was working in the Boys and Toys department at Mervyn’s. I got fired. They found out that I was sending mothers looking for neck ties for their little boys to another store in the mall to check out their ties first before buying any with us. The other store had much better ties, and several of the mothers even came back to thank me. It was obvious to me that by being honest, it generated goodwill, and that goodwill translated into good sales for me, and for Mervyn’s. However, the store manager, who somehow got wind of my “betrayal”, saw things differently. He saw lost tie sales, and hence lost money. He did not consider the extra purchases many of these women made just because they found Mervyn’s to be a “good” store. I was hauled into the store manager’s office by a beefy security guard, honestly, named Mr. Bruno, and standing in front of the manager’s desk, he asked for my Mervyn’s employee credit card, which he proceeded to ceremoniously cut up into small pieces with scissors. I was reminded of Papal excommunications and smiled, which apparently infuriated him, and I was escorted from the premises. So much for honesty, eh? You would think I would learn my lesson.

But actually, my first job was before that, though I don’t really consider it a job. I worked for a couple who owned a small, strange little exotic fish store. We loved these fish. And we loved the people who came in, loving these fish. I say it wasn’t really a job, because it was downright fun and enjoyable. And I was proud of our little fishy world. And they handed me a $20 bill every night I was there in Junior High, after school.

Since having my own businesses, I have been confronted with many complex and important decisions. All business people will, at one point or another, need to weigh the intrinsic value of money gathering against the intrinsic value of their own conscience and the best interests of others. This simple measure is the source of and endless madhouse packed full of reasoning, rationalizations, traditions, egos, desires, justifications, and… the extraordinarily rare and immutable gemstone of true service to others.

Normally, money gets in the way of our better angels. When you can sell an expensive product to someone, even though another product exists that is better and cheaper, why not do it? When your the database of all your customer’s credit card information is compromised, why notify them if you don’t have to, and look bad? If you know someone will not fight you, why not get all you can from them for nothing? If you know you are in a position of power, why not make use of it to further your own self-interest, regardless of any rationalizations?

For the sports-minded, the answer is, well, it’s just business. It’s the law of the jungle (or the forest). In other words, don’t think… do. And do what will win. Hence, starving and suffering people, polluted planet, wrecked economies, etc., etc. Or, in the similar terms of war, collateral damage.

The thing is, individual business people cannot accomplish on their own. They need help. How do employees just let it happen, and even help it? Well, many are like-minded in the sports-like terms of business. Just do it. Others may have a deeper awareness, but choose to ignore their awareness, and just do their jobs. These people, by staying purposefully ignorant of bad things, usually by saying that they have no definitive proof, almost never seek that proof. Instead, they remain complicitous, trying to absolve their conscience by hiding behind a fake veil. Whereas the “just do it” people have no need to think of any rationalizations, the veil people will rationalize. Then there are there whistle-blowers (or pejoratively, tattle-tales), the radicals, or the secret-agent working-within people who try to, of not effect change, then to at least mitigate damages. Our state of affairs in this ethical wasteland is not solely the doing of the business people themselves.

But what can be done if we no longer can justify business as usual?

The first this is realizing that some things should not be money-making businesses at all. For example, it even made big news recently that two judges in Pennsylvania have plead guilty to taking bribes from the private business owners of juvenile prisons, in exchange for those judges sending as many kids to their prisons as possible. This they did, with great zeal, even when unwarranted. It could be said that we ought not to be able to profit from jailing people. It could also be said that we ought not to be able to profit from people being sick or injured. In essence, we should not be able to profit from the misfortunes, the oppression, the suffering, or the deception of others. As long as we can, those situations will always exist and could even be optimized.

But what of our business mentioned earlier, that sells their expensive and inferior product to a customer, knowing full well that their customer would be better off not buying their product at all? Is it unethical merely to keep silent, telling your customer nothing? Would I have been right selling a mom an expensive and ugly tie for her boy? The question boils down to, is keeping silent — is keeping someone purposefully ignorant of facts related to their decision-making an act of deception? Technically, you are not lying. You are simply withholding information, in secrecy. However, you do benefit, at least monetarily in the short-term, from the sale. As such, you have an objective if you withhold the information. And that objective is to benefit monetarily. You achieve that objective by willfully insuring that the environment of ignorance in which the customer exists is maintained. And not only that, you extol the virtues of your own product within that environment of ignorance. As such, you have consciously manipulated the customer into your intended objective, despite the truth that shows your objective is in your own best interest, and not the customer’s. Is it not the very definition of deception; manipulating another with things that are not entirely true? The first level of rationalization a business person would reach for such an action is, “we create a quality product, and the customer will be just as good off with ours, considering their needs and intelligence.” This kind of thinking does not make the business person bad. But it is certainly the beginning of a very slippery slope of greater rationalizations and self-deception.

The better choices for this business owner are pretty clear. First, make a better product if they can. Or, inform the customer completely about the alternate products or solutions, and let them decide. I know that I would feel a great deal of respect for any business that was willing to point me to another, just to be honest with me. I would bring them as much business as I could for doing such a think. Or, if the business cannot make a better product, they can still sell their own, yet keep the customers informed, and work out an arrangement with the better product producer for referral fees. In this way, the business owner can retain their integrity by fully informing their customers, yet still manage to benefit monetarily, though perhaps not as much, and at the same time generate a tremendous amount of goodwill between themselves and their customer, and their business partner. In all likelihood, their business partner would gain a good deal of trust as well, and refer their own customers back when appropriate.

Unfortunately, for businesses that benefit while destroying the planet or harming people in any number of ways, there are no such amicable solutions. They must change or pass away as only memory into some of the darker pages of our history.

It does not always seem important, the seemingly minor decisions we make on how to proceed. But each decision always makes similar decisions easier the next time. At that beginning of the path, at the fork in the road, which will we travel down? And how true to our path will we remain?

So much depends upon our individual character. Someone who is comfortable with white lies, easily moves to gray, and often on to black. These are usually the more gregarious people. The ethical basis of a business is as important as any business plan. From the outset, the standard of openness and honesty must be set high, maintained, and perhaps even considered sacred. Such things do not go unnoticed by customers.

Are you someone who enjoys being idolized or looked up to? If so, the decisions you make will likely not be in the best interests of others, nor even good business decisions. You will do what makes you look best, and power maneuvering will be more important than any endeavor. These are usually the more silent types, who allow other to always show the hands they are holding in the deck of cards, laid out for gain.

Are you more the warrior type who plows over everyone and everything to achieve your victory? Are you the seductress who winds their way stealthily into the heart of their objective? Are you the completely normal buddy guy who suddenly feels inexplicably used or threatened, and knifes in the back? Are you the innocent, pious one who is sometimes naughty, but always is perfectly right and justified in any action? These are perhaps the most ruthless of all, like a venus fly trap that strangles.

Nobody sees themselves solely as one. Yet somehow most business owners’ personalities move in these directions. It is the result of surviving in the kill or be killed wilds, the compromises made along the way, and the justifications they have convinced themselves of. Very few business people, particularly the successful ones, manage to keep their “good” personality in tact. It erodes over a long series of small chips into stone, that leaves a monstrous statue in the end. It is from playing the game, as it now exists. And that game needs to change.

Personally, I look for honesty in another, above all else. If they can keep their honesty in tact, I have little doubt that the good in them will persevere. I also look for people who can help keep me honest as well. It is very easy to loose your way in the forest. It is a very good thing traveling with someone who can help keep you on the path. And, the ego in check.

I suspect that for the less ego-full people, having a partner is a very good thing. You can watch out for each other, when one of you is not alert. You can combine your strengths into something more, and help smooth over any weaknesses. You can assure honesty with your customers, through the honesty you have with each other. And perhaps even the trust that must follow.

When you are starting out in business it is so easy to be exploited. And as those scars callous over, become ruthless yourself. I think this is normally the way of things, even for the best-intentioned. How nice it would be to know we can trust. How nice it would to know that someone is watching out for you.

Perhaps what we need in business is not actually a radical change. Perhaps it is as simple as remembering that it feels good to care. And not just about money.